THE HANGOVER PART III Review

I am pissed off.

Since the turn of the 20th century, film has become the way of life. We watch movies not because it's the only thing to do, but because they provide an escape. We watch movies because we want to be entertained. During the Great Depression, we watched movies because they were cheap and a getaway. During the 50s, we watched movies because we were shown things we never saw before. During the 70s, we watched movies because suddenly there were things that were once frowned upon that suddenly became okay. During the 90s, we watched movies because of greats like Tarantino, the Coen Brothers, and later on, Paul Thomas Anderson.

But I don't know why we even watch movies anymore. 120+ years since the invention of cinema and we are finding old ideas to recycle and make them brand new. It's getting to the point where we just don't care. Filmmaking has become film business. When one of the great auteurs of cinema, Steven Soderbergh, is about to retire because it is getting too film business-y, you know there just isn't anything left in this god forsaken art-form.

I'll give THE HANGOVER props. The original film was something truly different. We were given three characters and watched them trace their steps to finding their best friend. Even though I don't find the movie that good, there are still moments of pure bliss that still keeps people talking to this day. And I don't think there have been closing credits that entertaining since.

THE HANGOVER PART II came out two years later and people hated it. Critics called it unoriginal. Suddenly the characters were unlikable, though I find it mind-blowing that people think they were unlikable all of the sudden. In the first one, didn't Bradley Cooper's character steal from little children, Ed Helm's character cheat on his fiancee, and Zach Galifianakis drug his best friends?

But guess what guys? The director, Todd Phillips, made bank off the first one. He asked for a share in the movie's profits instead of a director salary. The movie became an unexpected hit, but no one knew what he was doing except for Todd Phillips himself - he was ripping you off. We should be ashamed that we let it get to this point, because two movies later, he really proves he doesn't give a fuck about these characters and their situations - he just gets his paycheck.

And this installment of THE HANGOVER PART III is just as bad as PART II. Our characters are faced in a situation that is just as ridiculous as the other two, yet everything is lazier. The characters haven't changed. They're still unlikable. They still do stupid stuff. And guess what?

NOBODY IS HUNGOVER.

How about that for marketing? THE HANGOVER PART III is false advertising. The title promises you that you are going to get to see something similar to the first film, which was the reason why you are seeing PART III in the first place, right? It just so happens that aside from a casual scene drinking beer at a Tijuana Bar, nobody even drinks in this fucking movie.

Imagine that - a HANGOVER movie that barely has any drinking. It sounds like a, what's that? Quick cash-grab?

I'd go on about the plot, but basically, suddenly Alan's (Zach Galifianakis) family members are getting worried about their son being a 42 year old retard. When Alan's dad dies (Jeffery Tambor), their family is faced with many questions - did he leave because he had to film the next season of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, or did he just stay so he can get his paycheck?

And suddenly, there is this idea that Alan needs to go to this place to make him better. There is no idea what this place is - it's just a happy place where people go to feel happy. I'm calling bullshit because there is nothing different in this movie that Alan doesn't do in this movie. But then again, I'm not the one writing it. But if you guys even think about considering to criticize the STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS script and give this one a free pass, you guys should hand in your film-lovers card.

So the Wolf-Pack (Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms) and Doug (Justin Bartha, who is also collecting a paycheck) go to take Alan to this happy place and are ran off the road by a bunch of people in masks. Their leader (John Goodman, who neither hurts nor helps the film) and Black Doug (HOLY SHIT IT'S BLACK DOUG! Mike Epps) are looking for Chow (Ken Jeong), who just recently escaped from prison. Goodman takes Doug as collateral until the Wolf-Gang can find Chow and return him to Goodman and the gang.

Aside from the stupid plot, there is almost nothing the film does to add any kind of enjoyment. There are really stupid jokes that Galifianakis still tries to make and Bradley Cooper trying to be Bradley Cooper. Mike Epps and Heather Graham return to their old roles from the first one and it's so good to have them back - for a paycheck, I mean. And there is a scene that is so goddamn stupid in a police station that I can't even figure out the point of it.

The only huge difference from this one is that Galifianakis is given a love interest with Melissa McCarthy, and since McCarthy hasn't done anything good since BRIDESMAIDS, I'll just come out and say that she is here for the paycheck too. Her introduction is probably one of the worst scenes in the movie, yet who am I to judge? I'm not getting paid to write the script nor the review.

And Ken Jeong, who I do like, really lets me down. I'm not sure how much is scripted and how much is improvised, but Jeong is really just on the screen to try and come off as stupid and crazy as Galifianakis's character. Yet everything he says is just a bunch of shit. And for some reason, whoever handled the music with this idea thought it was a good idea for him to rape Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nails's HURT.

The product placement in this movie is insane. It's like one big ad for everything cool. Alan listens to music with his Beats by Dre headphones as his father dies of a heart attack. The World's Most Interesting Man is getting a hulky paycheck as well with all of the Dos Equis bottles that are drank in the film. And Chow really makes cocaine look cool, but of course, we didn't need product placement to tell us that.

Even at the end of the movie, when the characters are walking and all of the sudden we get flashbacks to when the Wolf Pack was first formed to the present day, it feels like the writers don't care about it anymore. They're not likable. None of them have changed. They're still the same characters. It is completely offensive to film fans. We invested time and money into seeing these characters grow, but I watched my hair grow faster than these assholes do.

Would I call Todd Phillips a genius? Not in a million years. Let's not forget he didn't write THE HANGOVER (part 1). He took over the writing for the second and third and was able to make everything so much more lazy. To explain how much he owes to his characters, he made fifty million off of the first movie alone. And he even stated in an interview how much he don't care about the bad reviews.

This is the film business guys. They don't call it business for nothing. There is money to be made, and it is all of our faults. It's my fault. It's your fault. It is Hot Topic's fault for selling HANGOVER shirts. We have ruined good comedy, funny comedy, and good cinema all together. We threw it all away, all for a film that makes bad Jewish jokes and kills animals.

THE HANGOVER PART III is going to blow the house down, while MUD just sits in a movie theater waiting for your attention.